Reminesence

I lay in my bed.
I remember the touching we once shared.
Before the tradegey before the meaningless bullshit.

A blind man sits in the middle of the mall.
Playts the paino for all the sightful people.
They are Oblivious to the true beauty of living by sound.
He this man, is alone in his vision.
Im staring at an aquarium.
A fish swims up to the glass.
Three Bubbles dribble from its mouth.
Thinking for a moment, of what is more.
But my mind only stays on it for three seconds.
Three more bubbles. The black light glows on the little blue fake pebbles at the base of the tank.

I lay here in my bed. Talking to you on the phone with you falling asleep on me.
I tell you that I'm a bit tired... I'm lying. Im wide awake.
Your breath is becoming heavy..I smile into the receiver.
Are you still there? I ask.
But your fast asleep, I already knew the answer.
I've been lying to you, I whisper into your ear on the other end.
I feel you smile in your slumber. Silence. Heavy breathing.

Sometimes I faint. Fall on the floor in the kitchen drinking milk or eating ramen.
Again in the hallway, In the bathroom, getting dressed for school,in the public bathroom.
I have a funny heart I guess.
Doc said it is because of that that I may be so tired and laid back all the time. I honestly dont give a shit.
I like who I am.
I'm good at faking it out..., Can stay standing these days. Shhh. Its getting better.

Heh Your still asleep its 2 am and you still have a smile. I hope your face doesnt hurt in the morning..I do hope it stays that way.
Your Dreaming of fantasy and illogical scenerios.

An old friend calls me up.
Shes on drugggsss, spun..A mess.
Shes married and pregnant.
The kid isnt his of course.
She married him so he could become a U.S. citizen.
What an american eh?
Now she's knocked up, but America isnt here to help her, honestly.

They'll call her names under their breath. Thoughtless banter.
Maybe she'll get child support checks in the mail if shes lucky enough.

Your... still smiling in your sleep aren't you. Funny girl.
You are the woman with the broken wings. It seems so painful looking into your eyes. Why?
The worn and tired dexterity.. Ive seen it so many times before myself in the mirror looking into my own eyes.
You can see right through my bullshit, but you know I can see through yours and see the root of what you are.
You know the look I give you.
The wall that blinds most is blown away by the vexing gaze of your eyes and the fast beat of your heart.
I walk around trying to find every small thing that can possibly give you a smile. I frantically try every thing i can. Fruitless stupidity.
I dont give a flying fuck.
Im sitting in front of you at the coffee shop.
I make a stupid joke.
You smile at me.
YOuve made my day yet you have no idea.
Yes..actually you know you have, but your embarrassed.
Why?
You haven't smiled this way in a long time. I can feel it.
Your sleeping so silently now.
You need time to figure yourself out. You are looking so much to what your future holds but cant appriciate what you already are.
I can see it. But you cant? hmm.
Do things, try things. Solve things for once in your life.
Your running. So fast. Im trying to keep up with you.
Funny girl.
Towards or away I can't tell, I have no idea.
But some how you are still able to smile through all you've been through, gone through, taken.
Believe in miricles.
That is one if I ever saw one.
I'll see you tomorrow. Good nighttt.

I drift downt the rabbit hole to sleep.
You wake up and call me.
Its morning, you check your phone and see that its been on all night and freak out.
hahahaha
Your really too tired and you smell, you hate it, I love it. I haven't slept much but I lie when i tell you im not tired now.
Goofball.
We're all lying.
This we all know for sure. Some sooner then others.
But..Are we all living? Am I alive even though I breath? Should I do something? Something eventful, Spontanious?
Something to know Im alive?
Purhaps something I'll surely remember just because it is so extremely unlike what I would...think of doing.
Hhahahaha
Hmmm Its not about the car rides or the money or the food. Its not about the gifts and the bull shit presents.
Its not about the farting or the sneezingh or the snoring.
Its not about seeing you all the time.
Seeing you hung over or utterly fucked up.
Barf on my floor. Ill still see you the same as I did before.
Think Ill judge you?
So easily as well?
You know me better then that, but you dont want to actually believe I'm for real.
Give me a break. Do i really seem that in-human?
Like I haven't felt like i was the only one doing stupid shit half the time?
I've puked. I've partied. I've lived on the street. I have seen enough to know whats up.

Your art is beautiful. Your life is beautiful.
You know it and tell yourself your not, its not.
Thats its cliche...unoriginal. You believe somehow that you know what you don't deserve yet you know you dont have any clue as to what you DO actually
Deserve.
I see the look you give me, have always given me. Perplexed.
You know I know.
You know I know the you that not many others know. That must scare you, it scares me.
I smile at you in your sleep. I carress your face when I see you.Your neck, your face, your arms, your chest your legs, your back.
You move for me, silently like a drunken belly dancer.
The curves of your form, of your skin of your body mesmerize me. So delicately crafted by an unseen maker.
I admire the crafters work.
I remember
Your arms rest over the sheets.
I remember waking up moving your head from my numb shoulder, resting it on the pillow you drooled on.
I get up and put on my underwear. I go outside and smoke a cig stub. Looking back at the closed curtains.
I should probably be relaxing
I remember.
But I know inside that I will lose you. It is only a matter of time. prescious time. This is why I appriciate every second with you.
Why emotions run like a wild fire.
Fast and slow.
Touch feel taste smell see flow move go.

Down the rabbit hole and through the woods I wander.
The cross roads I approach.
I glup over the phone line. Cigerette smoke enveloping my nose.
I know I know.

I must choose which way I will walk.

You will be the end of me.

This is what I see in the wake of waves, in the ember glows of my heart and soul.
This is what I see while I'm under the oceans tide.
In the wake of waves I float.
Ember glows envelope me.

I will rise up from these waters
Waiting for her sweet embrase.
But I rise and awaken to
The wake of waves.
The sun is on the horizon, and she becons.
Rise son rise,
from the glass reefs and cold sand waters.
Clear is my mind.
But ember glows still drift in the waters around me.
Are they cast out or now in front of me. For me to judge and look back on.

Never look back, never falter I tell myself.
For Son you will drown in the wake if you do not rise.
I nod. I know this.
Rising from the dead sea. The struggle is unbearable. Entangled in the weeds of the sea.
I must break free.
For if I don't I will be swallowed up by the coming tides.
I will not be judged for nature is blind.
Follow the heat of my light.
But don't get burned.

I better wear sun screen next time.

I cant afford to get burned.
Not enough time for repairs.